The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

Born free... taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Tow-ers will be violated

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Wink, I'll do the rest!

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Hoket on foniks werked fur me

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.